I have no words. No words to explain
this reality, that is the end of my study abroad. My heart is
actually aching, and I am a mess (like always), but this time of so
many emotions. Like last semester, I made amazing friends that made
it absolutely dreadful to have to say goodbye to... However this time
is different. It's almost worse. I feel homesick for this place that
I haven't even left, yet. I think it was easier saying goodbye last
time, because part of me knew I was coming back (in a short time).
With out a doubt, it was hard say goodbye to my friends; but we know
we're only a few states away, if need be (and need be). This is just
so incredibly different. This place in which I called my home, for
almost 9 months. This town, in which I'm still discovering, these
people, the culture, the food, the wine (of course), the light, the
architecture. Aix. Aix ma ville. And it's time. I have to say good
bye, without knowing the next time I'll be returning. I have to say
good bye to my friends here, knowing, that to see them will be so
much harder than to see my friends in the states. I have to say good
bye to this way of life. There's a reason people choose to study
here. I have to say good bye to this amazing French family, which
have been oh so warm and welcoming (and very patient). I have to say
goodbye to my IAU family.
Make no mistake. I miss my family and
friends in the states, and would do anything to be with my nieces and
nephews right now, even for just a few short hours. Maybe have a meal
with spice, like tacos. But honestly, it's still not Aix.
I'm not ready. Sure. I have days or
maybe even weeks that I just wanted to be home. Everything seemed it
would be better, or at least easier at home. But, would it really.
Now that there's only so many days left, I feel like I have to make
up for all the time I was stressing and wishing I was home. I wish
there were a way to go back and tell myself, “it's not worth it,
enjoy the present. Enjoy the people around you. Enjoy this city.”
But, Wishing won't do me much good at this point. No. at this point,
I can just make the most of the days I have left here. I can love my
friends like we don't actually see each other everyday. I can lose
myself in the city by taking the one street I never take. I can
people watch in my favorite cafe (*cough* Mana). I can take one final
marcher to Marchutz, and spend the day there, just so I can take in
the beauty it has as the light changes throughout the day. I've never
been good at goodbyes, probably never will be; having to say goodbye
to a place that has such an imprint on me, feels.. well I don't know.
It's this bittersweet pain. My mind is worrying about the short time
I have left, whilst my heart is saying “just stay.”
I don't know what to do. Every time I
walk into a store/place of some sort all I think is “this is my
last time here..” It's, it's almost disheartening. With tears in my
eyes and a lump in my throat I stumble through the “merci, au
revoir” as I take one last look around.
I feel like I have roots here. My foot
is in the door. I'll be back.
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| View from my bedroom window. <3 |
